Aight this is the essay that I wrote for Howard can ya'll give me some feedback plz. Tell me what you think honestly. Thanx in advance!
Here is the topic
In 500 words, tells us about what makes you, you. What are you strengths, weaknesses, and your motivation? What separates you from any other applicant? How do you think Howard University will increase your strengths and diminish your weaknesses?
Here is my response
I am 18 year old African - American female. For the past 18 years of my life I have lived in Germany because my father was in the United States Army and my mother is a Department of Defense Schools Teacher. Over these past years I have learned a lot especially through my High School Air Force Junior Reserve Officer Training Core. While I was in AFJROTC I learned how to effectively communicate with others and some very important leadership skills that have helped me so far in life. I have had an chance that some people dream of being able to travel and learn about the different cultures and how they interact amongst themselves and with others. The first six years of my life I spent in Wiesbaden, Germany. The environment that I have lived in for the past 18 years is a very diverse environment and because of this I am able to accept others regardless of their race, religion, and beliefs. I am the product of a loving Baptist family. Religion is an huge part of my life because I was rooted in the Bible at an early age. Both of my parents are preachers my father is the Pastor of the church that I currently attend and my mother is a Minister on the roster. I have four younger siblings two brothers ages 15 and 11 and I also have two sisters who are twins ages 9. I am a musical inclined person I participate in anything that deal with music because music is my passion. To me music is like oxygen I can't live without it. Music always brightens up my day when I am down which is rarely because I am a very upbeat person.Music just come naturally to me as a gift that God has blessed me with. I have been involved music since the age of two. All the children in my family are involved in music.
Which has become one of the few strengths that I posses. I can easily adapt to any environment because I am a very outgoing person which is very useful being a military child because you move around alot. However fortunately for me my family only moved once to my current location in Ramstein. I am also a very expressive person the easiest way for me to express myself is through song or dance. Although I love both I prefer dance over song simple because when I choose a song to dance to I make sure the song has an apporiate message for my audience. I am a Praise Dancer so the songs that I dance to are church songs. I have found that when I dance the music takes me to a different world and that I can forget what I going through at that moment and focus on the message that I want the audience to recieve from my performance. My weaknesses that I am working on are time management and becoming more active and involved with my school. During my High School years my time management skills were horrible I would slack off and wait until the last minute because I believed that I could do my best then.I really paid the price for this in High School because I waited until the last minute. Now I have learned that having a set time schedule is a great idea because this not only relieves stress and fustration. It also allows me to finish up my assignment and have someone else go over it with me and give me helpful feedback and advice. I like to think of myself as an active and involved person but I think that I could take more chances to become part of clubs and groups that not only affect my peers but also myslef as well. I think that this is a better way to find out what is going on around you and see if the issuses that are being discussed affect you whether it be directly or indirectly.
The key to my motivation is my family because they support me in all that I do. Especially my siblings because we have a close bond even though I have an huge age gap between my younger siblings and myself. I am the example that they follow because I am the oldest they look up to me.
What seperates me from another applicant is that even though I seem as if I have a picture perfect life it isn't so. Ever since I hit the sixth grade I struggled in school. I am a very intelligent person but I haven't always applied myself as far as academics are concerned. When I started High School back in 2000 my father had a mild heart attack and this really took a toll on my family. My father was unable to work for a while. This was especially **** me because on his side of the family people have died at young ages because of health problems. Then my Senior year my father got sick and was flown to Walter Reed Medical Center before he he was flown there my mother went to see him everyday in the hospital at Landstul. I made sure that my brothers and sisters were keeping up with their school work while sometimes neglecting my own. I was told that I would not be able to graduate with my class because my grades had slipped in classes that I was required to pass. I was determined that no one was going to tell me that I could not do it so I buckled down and studied and finished what I needed to finish in order to graduate because I promised my family I would do so and I had come too far to just give up. I did not have the best grades and I was not an honor student but I was a student who was determined to graduate High School and prove to the people who doubted me that I could succeed. With that accomplished I had the determination and will power to finish anything that I set my mind to.
I think by attending Howard University I will be able to enhance my strengths because the school offers great opporutinites for me to take advantage of such as the dynamic music department and the variety of club and orgainzations that they have. I also plan to take advantage of ever opportunity that is given to me. I think once I get in to the routine of the University and the deadlines the professors have in place I will be able to manage my time very well. I also believe that once I get used to the campus and see what orgainzations and clubs are offered I will be able to get involved and help others get involved.
In closing I would like to thank you for this opportunity.
I almost cried after reading your essay if you want the real truth about it. I admire your determination, and if I was an admissions officer, you'd have my vote. The only problem I could say you have, are a few grammatical errors. If you want I could help you out with them. Just ask and I'll be happy to help.
Aside from the grammatical errors, it was an engaging essay once I got past your introduction. Your determination, strength, and courage are admirable. Good Luck!
The message is very well put together. I liked that you said that one of your weaknesses were time management, which is a very safe topic. If you wanted to show more flexibility i would pick another weakness. Also, it seems that you're jumping from one topic to another very quickly. Maybe if you structured your paragraphs by stating your weakness/strength, give an example, then state what you've learned from that incident in a few sentences. One final suggestion, try reading the paper out loud until it sounds appealing to your ears.
good luck I would definitely vote yes for your admissions!! 8)
