Can We All Just Respect the Sanctity of Marriage? Geez!!!
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Posted By: Dee Gray on May 18, 2009 This is the second time this week the following situation has happened to me: I went into a bar and grill that has some bomb diggity food. Twice this week I've been in because I get home a little later than usual, have loads of homework and have to help my elder daughter with her homework or review it. In any case, my family has to eat and during this busiest time, I've tried to curb my Superwoman Syndrome and get the food and bring it home. Well, I always have a soda while I wait and play a couple of video games. I'm usually in my own little world...just waiting...might speak to a couple of familiar faces and focus on my soda and my game. Earlier this week, a man, seeing my wedding ring, asked me, "Are you HAPPILY married?" He had this expression on his face that made me picture myself reaching into the back of throat to make sure I had a good grip on his tongue so I could rip it out. I smiled and posed what proved to be a thought-provoking question: "What difference does THAT make?" I was very calm and as a matter of fact about it, but I say it must've been thought-provoking because the expression on his face changed to one of confusion. 'That was cruel,' I thought. 'It ain't right to leave a brotha confused, Girl!' I thought as I chastised myself. So...as any good citizen would do, I expounded on my statement. I explained to him that it doesn't matter if I'm happily or so-called unhappily married. The MARRIED denominator does not change. Plus, I explained that I am a firm belever that a man who SEES the ring on the finger who COULD ask such a quesiton is likely not a man who respects HIMSELF, and that fact alone makes it impossible for him to truly respect ME. I tried to encourage him, too, that a woman who would be flattered by such a question is likely one that fits the same description. This is just MY OPINION, so don't go off the deep end on me, but I believe with my whole heart that the reaction to such a question should be one of disgust...not blatent all up in anybody's face or anything like that...but very directly and very quickly answered in a way that lets a man (or woman) know that not that not only do you not get down like that, you also don't take kindly to being asked a question like that...ya know, as if answering "unhappily" or something to that effect would segway into a conversation about how he could treat you so much better and how much your husband is a fool...etc., etc., etc.. Then, TODAY, not even an hour ago, I was waiting on food and playing my usual video game, when the lady sitting next to me struck up a minor conversation. I tried to ignore her because she was breaking my concentration. Anyway, she didn't take the hint and I refused to be rude, so I gave small talk while trying to play my game. Anyway, she was having a separate conversation with a man to her left and she being white and SO THOROUGHLY IMPRESSED that she was talking to a brother with some good sense and very intelligent conversation (as if he was maybe one in ten that she had ever talked to like intelligent brothas don't exist or something), turns and says to ME, "This is a very handsome and well-spoken gentleman over here. Why won't you look at him??" MAN, OH MAN. For so many reasons, I wanted to..well, that doesn't matter. I had to stop what I was doing and look her right into those piercing blue eyes of hers and say, "Because he doesn't look anything like my husband." Her face kinda contorted and then I added, "Last I checked, giving the time of day to another man and trying to elicit his interest when you're a MARRIED WOMAN is wrong. Wouldn't you agree?" She blushed, bless her heart, and said, I'm so sorry. I was just trying to play matchmaker and didn't notice your ring." Then, she apologized again and added, "It's just talking to such an intelligent man is rare." There's something about the culture here in the NW that bothers me sometimes. People of non-color seldom say what they MEAN to say. Ya'll know this woman meant, "An intelligent BLACK man..." I just didn't even comment after that. I let her make it on that one. I had to. I refused to let that tempation to push her to be bold enough to say what she really meant get to me. I let it go. Anyway, the whole point of this and where I would like feedback is: SHOULD it matter to anyone whether or not you're happily or unhappily married???????????? Does it matter to YOU when someone poses a question like that (man or woman)??????? Are you flattered by it??????? Do you feel insulted or irritated at all?????????? Do you answer, "happily" or "unhappily" or do you do what I did and just let him (her) know it doesn't matter because you're married...PERIOD????????? In the six months or so, I've notice that it has happened more often...in a restaurant, on the bus, when I'm out with our children, once at work, and even once at CHURCH of all places...and my answer is always the same. It's weird, too, because I'm one who's very vocal abut the importance of honoring covenant. I respect people and I really respect married people. It takes some guts to be willing to undertake the matters of someone else's heart. So people who get married and stay married really get kudos from me. That's a different topic. (And PLEASE, don't inundate me with comments about the fact that there are reasons to get divorced. We're all adults and we all know that). Okay...the time has come. PLEASE, sound off. Blessings... If you enjoyed this article, Join HBCU CONNECT today for similar content and opportunities via email! |
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Dee Gray
Provisioner, Cannot Say Member Since July 2008 |
Comments
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Mr. Maxwell, I agree. I know that question was and always is an attempt at a booty call. Sometimes, I just want thump folk upside the head for being so disrespectful...not just to me but to themselves. It's like I'm asking myself, "What does this person think of himself? Does he think HE'S worthy of more than what he's trying to get from me?" And I know it's not just ME per se, but more women in general. And for that matter, what bugs me the most is that no one needs from me the perspective other than that I am MARRIED and therefore, off limits to any man who is not my husband...period. One man did say, after he thought about it, something like, "Ya know...you're right. I apologize, my sista. That was disrespectful on my part." He was the ONE and only ONE who went on to say that if he had a woman who was so 'down' for her man, he perhaps would shut down his playa ways. I had to explain that I'm 'down' for my husband, not just someone who's "just" my man. My husband has earned his respect and aside from that, God, who put us together deserves the absolute UTMOST respect from both of us. Ultimately, it would be disrespectful across the board if I entertained it such questions with even a little bit of flattery...to God, to myself, to my husband and to our children for that matter. I just wish more people respected what it means to be not just be married, but to truly be in covenant as God would have it. It just seems that more men try to pick up on me when I'm wearing my ring. It's like a magnet or something...like the title of Pastor or musician or professional athlete. I've found that more people-- men and women-- gravitate to the person wearing the ring! What is the world coming to? I have known women who go after men they know are married and no matter how many times they've tried to explain it to me, I still just don't get it. Why we would belittle ourselves as married folk and why single folk would belittle themselves to get a 'piece' of another person is way over my head. I'm from the part of the old school my grandmother and mother lived by: "If it can't be just ME, it just CAN'T BE." And you can quote me on that. It's copyrighted!!! LOL. Mr. Maxwell, thank you for chiming in so soon. I always look forward to studying your feedback. You are the MAN!!! ;-) And though I didn't mention gay marriage, I get what you're putting down. For me, and this is just my personal opinion based on my spiritual beliefs, gay marriage is an oxymoron. Those two words don't even fit together. That's another blog for another day though. And there's another good point. There's nothing new under the sun. I'm sure this has been an issue since the beginning of time. A part of me can be okay with being asked because if I look at the up side, it's a great opportunity for me to education and to help shape the perspective of such matters into the PROPER perspective. And Mozell...what does "yep" mean??????? LOL. Blessings... Tuesday, May 19th 2009 at 12:53AM |
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Aw, thanks, Irma. That's encouraging. Sometimes I do want to ask, "Why?" I really do. But I think that could segway into a line that just makes me shake my head and walk away!!! LOL!!!!! ;-) Blessings... Tuesday, May 19th 2009 at 1:29AM |
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This happens to both my husband and me often, though I am never approached when he is around. The women don't mind me being there when they approach my husband, so I can only imagine what they say when I am not in earshot. Some people find these approaches flattering but we are ambivalent. Everyone wants to feel attractive but this can also be a bit insulting. We both wear our rings proudly and cannot understand what about us makes people believe that we are deceptive cheaters whom they can approach. We are not and never have been. We have made a covenant between us and God and we keep it by choice, not because we have not had opportunities to break it. We try to patiently explain that covenant and that usually backs them off, but unfortunately, not always. Some people see it as a personal challenge and that is when we have to bring in the other to witness our need to make our positions clear. Besides, why would you break a covenant for a person who doesn't respect them? How wrong-headed is that? Tuesday, May 19th 2009 at 6:04PM |
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Dr. Hines, I know right? And THANK YOU for posting this. Some do see it as a personal challenge and like the feeling I'm getting from you, it's bafflling. And "wrong-headed" is a great word to use. It's pathetic, too. I'm learning to look at the upside. These circumstances are obviously God's way of providing an opportunity to be an example and to teach His divine will with regard to covenant. LOL. God is so God. ...love Him...just love Him. ;-) Blessings... Tuesday, May 19th 2009 at 7:25PM |
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Your experience of conversations are not unsual. I've heard that question of "Happliy Married?"asked to many married women and men. Usually the suiter is not up to any good. If they were I feel they would respect you're saying you are married and leave it at that. It's often a "come on to you line" I do merit your replies! The union of a marriage is sacred still in many parterniships and it should not be tampered with as for as infidelity. I know it your commitment to keep yours one that is in union and obedience. A very commitment that so many have lost the meaning. Upholding your life mate and staying from any situations that would cause you to break that commitment is commendable! You've shown you're a dedicated partner. Hopefully it will inspire other marriages to view this as a way to flee for falling in temptations that can allow adultery. Blessings to you Dee and to your marriage growth in strength!
Wednesday, May 20th 2009 at 5:00AM |
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Thank you, MIISRAEL!!! Love you, Girl. Yeah, it's not unusual. ...not even a little bit. And you're right. I am dedicated to my love. Neither of us is perfect, but we ARE perfect for each other. And we both know it. Thanks for your blessings, Sis. I can always use that! Keep praying for us, Lady. ;-) Smooches and Blessings, of course! Thursday, May 21st 2009 at 8:54PM |
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Appreciate the post Dee.
Thursday, May 21st 2009 at 10:09PM |
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That's a new one (Are you happily married)... Interesting indeed.
Friday, May 22nd 2009 at 9:09PM |
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Sister Dee, you are on point with the marriage thing! Coming from the flip side I posted a blog in December "IS IT A SIN TO BE SINGLE". I wrote that based on the fact that I have been single all of my life, no children and people (mainly the married ones) often ask me when I will ever get married. Hopefully, that will change one day (LOL). Yes, I get offended at times although I know they really don't mean any harm. You wouldn't believe the readers who thought Sister Muhammad has gone overboard again. You're doing the right thing asking that single people should respect married people the way they want to be respected, however the married people in turn should do the reverse. Let's not forget the gay and lesbian people too.
Saturday, May 23rd 2009 at 9:17AM |
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Dee, poease try asking them a question, like a simple "WHY"? in your best and most polite way. This should throw them totally off guard, because the responsiblity to give the answer falls squarely back on to them! People like this already know what they are after this is why they do not care if it is an insult, disrespectful to you are to any one else. As for that White woman, my answer to her would have been something like are you sluming with your pimping or some stupid thing that would cause her not do this as an automatic...and, I would know that I have done a good thing as some people get hurt doing this degrading practice on automatic. I am so proud of you Dee for being a complete lady in these situtations...give yourself that pat on the back that you so deserve... Thursday, April 10th 2014 at 6:47PM |
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