Grieving Loss and Letting Go
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Posted By: Dolores Fair on July 17, 2010 It's about 6:45 a.m. and I have been awake all night. I cry for a while, drift off to sleep, then do something for a little while, and start crying again. My heart is broken and I feel really sad. But, even though others feel happy and joyful about James' passing on to the Kingdom, I'm not there yet. My heart still hurts. Call me selfish, but it's where I am. I can't imagine not talking to James on the phone again. We talked for about an hour nearly every night, about everything from black history to the temperature in Arizona in the summer. Nor can I imagine scrapping our plans to meet in Ohio this summer so he could show me around town and introduce me to all his friends. Now, I was always the one who was a bit gun-shy when it came to marriage, but James wanted us to get married in the fall in Cleveland or winter in Arizona. I can't believe that is all gone. I can't believe I'll never hear his fabulous voice leave me some dumb joke on my phone, the silliness brought on by his being in love with me. You see, from the very first time we talked, I told him he could read me a dictionary or phone book or anything any time he wanted with that great voice. But, that won't happen anymore. Nor will I be able to see one of the plays he wrote acted out on stage. James called me his "muse" and bounced ideas off me all the time. Some of the articles he wrote even went through me first. But, no more. Nor will I get to watch him teach African American youth how to have pride in their culture and heritage. I believe James touched the lives of many, many young people. And, I'll never get to introduce James to my sons who he so wanted to meet. He prayed for Chris often due to his illness and hoped Larry could make a new start once he left Texas. And, I'll never again hear that crazy, high-pitched squeal James would let out when he heard or shared something funny, or see his gorgeous hazel eyes dance and his beautiful dimples rise on his golden cheeks when he watched me walk into a room. So much I will miss. Three years is not nearly as long as I'd have liked to have had with James. My Bible says that "Grieving may endure for a night" (Just as Jesus wept for Lazarus even though he knew he had the power to resurrect him) "but Joy comes in the morning." Well, I'm still in the middle of my dark night and I feel no joy. No joy except the knowing that James is with Our Creator and is no longer in pain. But, James' church friends want me to fly there for the traditional "send off" for James and I don't know if I can pull that off since I still weep and my heart is still broken. We will see what God has in store for me in that regard. Meanwhile, My Sweet, Eloquent Prince, please rest in peace. Thank you for helping me find the stories of my people that have helped me grow in my own confidence and sense of purpose. Thank you for starting me on a journey that will last the rest of my life. Thank you for encouraging me to keep writing and to go back to school and for making me believe I can do both. Thank you for sharing who you are with me and for wanting to share the rest of our lives together. You have given me so much...I will always thank God for you!!! I will always cherish your memory! With Much Love from Your Biggest Fan, Lola If you enjoyed this article, Join HBCU CONNECT today for similar content and opportunities via email! |
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Dolores Fair
Attendant Care Worker, Consumer Direct Personal Care Chapman Univ class of 2002 Member Since January 2009 |
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