Tuskegee and Me Class of 97
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Posted By: Gary S Smith Jr on December 06, 2005 1989, my mother (R.I.P. 7-23-02) and my self returned home form Rockland Community College from a fair displaying Historically Black Colleges and Universities. The legacy of Tuskegee haunted my consciousness from poster of Booker T Washington face behind White Hall and words that appeared under the drawing the Pepsi commissioned. There I was as attracted to Hampton, Bethune-Cookman, and Tuskegee. I applied to all three and was accepted to all three. At that time I wanted to be a business major and in finance. In April 1990 I went to visit the campus of Tuskegee my cousin Fredrick G Outlaw reading Black Power chapter on Tuskegee by Carmichael and Hamilton I know I wanted to change me my major to Political Science. The reasoning at that time was clear to me I wanted be an agent of change. At 18, I was glad to survive the pathology that Jawanza Kunjufu talked about in The Conspiracy To Destroy Black Boys. I managed to overcome being labeled emotionally handicap and learning disabled. I wanted to enroll at Tuskegee with the desire to learn what it takes to be a race man. My goal was learn what it took to make black people in this country respected and powerful force in American and International life. Once I was there, I was attracted to campus organizations that expressed Afrocentricty. I joined them and learned a lot the issues confronted us as a people. In those organizations my level of consciousness developed and intellectual clarity was deepen. The professors challenge my thoughts and moved me to work past my limitations being in Special Education class most of elementary and secondary education life. In 1991, I became active in the Student Government Association. During my early times at Tuskegee a feeling of inadequateness was holding me back causing me not achieve as my deep heart intended me to. I battled depression and become panicky. I found myself not going to class and not studying. During my third year, I had semesters GPA of 0.6 and 1.8. That year my depression got the best of me. I returned home took the next year off and almost became a drunk. During the month of October of 93, I sobered up and returned to Sears to sell paint on commission. August of 94 I reenrolled in Tuskegee repaired my GPA and during the 95-96 year even made the Dean List. During my last three years at Tuskegee, I worked hard to make myself relevant in campus life by working back in the SGA, and leading KA HET HERU/ KA RA (The Vanguard). Working within the SGA I headed up Black History Month, was deputize as a voter registrar for Macon County, held the positions of President Pro Tem of Student Senate, Elected Senator at Large, and was appointed Chief of Staff. I did all of this while having chest pains and stared falling down from dizziness from panic attacks. August 1, 1997 was the best day of life I graduated from Tuskegee returned to home to only go back to work at Sears. I returned back thinking I can catch up on bills and go back to school. Sears have not been a place where I can make money. I learned a lot about home electronics and became expert on my product. Despite my expertise I became an AKM (Automatic Knowledge Machine) where people took my information and their business elsewhere. I was not becoming what I thought God meant me to be an agent for change. My return home lead me to become a poster child for underachievement where during the last 7 years I have failed to gross 20,000. I have for creditors charge me off due to non-payment. During the past five years, I left Sears twice only to return as a failure. I am a mess now not knowing whom I am and where to go. My only aspiration now is to become a personal manger and an A&R in the music business. Now I feel aimless and confused. I wake up each day with pressure on the brain, headaches, chest pains, shooting pains down my arm, dizziness, I have in the past five years being to emergency room 15 times. I am lost. To take license with the words of Jesse Jackson I am know I am somebody but I find it hard to keep hope alive. Continuing with taking licensee with his words it should be four balls and you on. I have being to plate to many times to strike out. Fear has taken over me. I fear that I would never get my credit right, never get married, never have kids, never be an agent of change, never be value to my race, and never be an asset to Tuskegee. When I think about my life Dr. Francis Cress Welsing work from the Isis Papers Black Fear and the lack of ideological commitment haunts my brain. In her essay she talks about the overt oppression has caused fear to be instilled in the victims of white supremacy to render black intellectuals in effective to transform our communities due to lack ideological commitment to struggle against oppression. That is key to understand my dilemma fear is driving force behind panic attacks. Frantz Fanon in the Wretched of the Earth talks about how under oppression the colonialism will develop mental disorders. Now this native intellectual is now being treated for depression and bipolar disorder. My issues are highly problematic cause what I am dealing with culturally and politically connected. Cheikh Anta Diop once said the mission of culture is creativity and survival. I am struggling to create the means to survive. In the struggle I cannot help to reflect on the Julia Hare warned black women about an African-Centered black male that we find it difficult to be the breadwinner. At the end of the day, my struggle is multi-faceted. My issues are how do I at 32, find my manhood, meaning, build a family, become a husband and build our nation. I do not want to waste a way. I try keeping what KRS-One said in a song when he states that the finished line is control of your mind. Tuskegee lifted the veil of ignorance. Now I must some take my knowledge and provide leadership and service to my race and myself. However I find myself tool less. I go to interviews with a suit that dose not fit, a missing tooth, and without transportation most jobs I want cannot attend the meeting. I feel that I am in bondage in this free market society not up from slavery. I ask that those who read this please take time to help me. I don’t want to die my panic attacks has caused me to develop hypertension and its out of control. I pray that God would touch you heart and help me get on my feet so I can stand take care of myself. I am open to any ideas that you might have. If you chose to help me, you can call me. Gary S Smith BA Political Science Class of 97 Tuskegee University 845-429-5452 845-627-4571 845-893-6816 If you enjoyed this article, Join HBCU CONNECT today for similar content and opportunities via email! |
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Gary S Smith Jr
From Haverstraw, NY Tuskegee University class of 1997 Member Since December 2004 |
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