Feelin Stupid
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Posted By: Nik on March 24, 2006 For those who spoke to me yesterday, they know that I had a minor breakdown around the afternoon time. I tend to take things in and just deal with them most of the time, well almost all of the time. The problem with that is that eventually my cup runs over and all it takes is one more thing to mess up to send me over the edge. These mini breakdowns don't happen often, but when they do, psshh, it takes a minute for me to compose myself. Yesterday started out normal enough with school and RAPP and whatever whatever. When I got home I took a lil nap which was interrupted by my mother. Small aggrevation number 1. DO NOT MESS WITH ME WHEN I'M SLEEPIN! Chillleee, I take that mess personally, straight to heart. When I'm sleep you better not wake me unless you're Jesus, my man, or dyin. Anyway, she was asking me to change a 100 dollar bill for her because she had another doctor's appointment to see what's going on with her back (see one of my previous blogs for info about that). So I go downstairs and look in my lil hiddin places for money. First I look in what I call my stash, my fake bank aka the money I don't really use, its just aside sitting there. I had maybe 60 in there *slap in the face*. Went to my other spot where I keep the money I tend to use on the regular, 80 in there *slap in the face*. The only other money I had was the money for my limo which was in 2 50's and then 3 20's. Now she needed 20s, so I had to pull money out of the limo fund and the out of the stash to change her 100. I mean its not like I lost money but just having to do all that to change a bill for her upset me sooo much. I think it upset me the most because I know there's sort of nothing I can do about that right now. I don't want to give anybody the impression that my fam is struggling, quite the contrary. But when I got the money from my momz from the taxes, I wanted to try and budget with that and live off of that so I could get used to managing my money. Now with my mother not working, though I can ask her for money, I don't want to because I'd rather her focus on the house stuff and the kids ya know? I can go to her and ask her for money at any time, but I kind of want to stand on my own two feet as much as I can right now. So of course the thought of just going to get a damn job comes up. I've been lookin mayne, don't think I haven't But I'm stuck in an effed up in between right now because I lost my working papers, and my 18th birthday is 3 weeks away. Waiting three weeks to even be able to hit the pavement like I want seems too far away but finding a job right now is so hard. It took me 3 months just to get the job at Fossil (the watch store) I had before. So then the thought of asking my dad for money came to mind but then he's been frontin me a lot of my school stuff lately. Senior dues, 200 toward my prom dress, and he's paying for my prom, ticket. Plus he's coming to NY for my birthday and supposed to be takin me down to NC for the rest of my spring break. So asking him for money right now seems a little selfish. I'd really rather just find a job and earn it myself. I don't want to be used to leechin off my parents ya know? Yeah she gave me the 1000 dollars but I just looked at it like money she would've given me when I moved out. So I wanted to make due, and live off of it like I didn't have her to run to again. Its hard to explain. I was so broken down by the late afternoon I didn't know what to do with myself. Besides the money thing, I still have that project due on the 7th, the AP test to pay for and study for, the AP book to buy, the stuff to do my project, and then the rest of my LIFE to deal with (family stuff, relationship stuff etc.) AND WAIT! The icing on the cake of a wonderful effin day, my trip to B-more this weekend got cancelled. *sigh* By the end of the night all I could do is just thank God for the blessings I do have because no matter how stressful things may get I know they could be 1000x worse. I had a conversation with God and Jesus last night (I look at God as a father figure and Jesus as a brother figure) and I felt a lot better by the time I laid down. I figure this is God's way of teaching me a part of the lesson I was trying to teach myself about the whole money management thing. That a lot of times what you want to do and what you're able to do are two different things. That sometimes things are going to get tight but all you need is faith and trust in the Lord that they'll get better. When I told Jesus all of this last night he asked me why I'd been crying when all I had to do was ask him and things would be taken care of. And for the first time in a very long time, I felt really, really REALLY STUPID. :-P. Thanx Jesus, you know you my homeboy :-D If you enjoyed this article, Join HBCU CONNECT today for similar content and opportunities via email! |
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Nik
From Jamaica, NY Howard University class of 2010 Member Since December 2005 |
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