"Why Are Black Women Scaring Off Their Men?"
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Posted By: WILLIAM W. HEMMANS III on October 18, 2007 *This email was sent my way by a overseas person that happens to be female and I thot it would be a good topic to share, hope you the reader enjoy and feel free to comment. By the way of course I have my opinions and don't agree 100% but I there is some relevance to ponder here. Men and Women* WHY ARE BLACK WOMEN SCARING OFF THEIR MEN? Have you met this woman? She has a good job, works hard, and earns a good salary. She went to college, got her master's degree; she is intelligent. She is articulate, well-read, interested in everybody and everything. Yet, she's single. Or maybe you know this one. She is active in the church, faithful, and committed. She sings in the choir, serves on the usher board, and attends every committee meeting. Loves the Lord and knows the Word. You'd think that with her command of the Scriptures and the respect of her church members, she'd have a marriage as solid as a rock. But again, no husband. Or perhaps you recognize the community activist. She's a black lady-or as she prefers, an African woman-on the move. She sports a short natural, sometimes cornrow braids, or even dreadlocks. She's an organizer, a motivator, a dynamo. Her work for her people speaks for itself-organizing women for self-help collective, raising funds for a community cause, educating others around a new issue in South Africa. Black folks look up to her, and white folks know she's a force to be reckoned with. Yet once again, the men leave her alone. What do these women have in common? They have so much; what is it they lack? Why is it they may be able to hook a man but can't hold him? The women puzzle over this quandary themselves. They gather at professional clubs, at sorority meetings or over coffee at the office and wonder what's wrong with black men. They hold special prayer vigils and fast and pray and beg Jesus to send the men back to church. They find the brothers attending political strategizing sessions or participating in protests, but when it comes time to go home, the brothers go home to someone else. I know these women because I am all of these women. And after asking over and over again "What's wrong with these men?" It finally dawned on me to ask the question, "WHAT's WRONG WITH US WOMEN?" What I have found, and what many of these women have yet to discover, is that the skills that make one successful in the church, community or workplace are not the skills that make one successful in a relationship. Linear thinking, self-reliance, structured goals and direct action assist one in getting assignments done, in organizing church or club activities or in positioning oneself for a raise. But the relationship-building requires different skills. It requires making decisions that not only to gratify you, but satisfy others. It means doing things that will keep the peace rather than achieve the goal, and sometimes. It means creating the peace in the first place. Maintaining a harmonious relationship will not always allow you to take the straight line between two points. You may have to stop to conquer or yield to win. In too many cases, when dealing with men, you will have to sacrifice being right in order to enjoy being loved. Being acknowledged as the head of the household is an especially important thing for many black men, since their manhood is so often actively challenged everywhere else. Many modern women are so independent, so self-sufficient, so self-centred, so committed to the cause, to the church, to career-or their narrow concepts of same, that their entire personalities project an "I don't need a man" message. So they end up without one. An interested man maybe attracted, but he soon discovers that this sister makes very little space for him in her life. Going to graduate school is a good goal and an option that previous generations of blacks have not had. But sometimes the achieving woman will place her boyfriend so low on her list of priorities that his interest wanes. Between work, school and homework, she's seldom "there" for him, for the preliminaries that might develop a commitment to a woman. She's too busy to prepare him a home-cooked meal or to be a listening ear for his concerns because she is so occupied with her own. Soon he uses her only for uncommitted sex since to him; she appears unavailable for anything else. Blind to the part she's playing in the problem, she ends up thinking, "Men only want one thing." And she decides she's better off with the degree than the friendship. When she's 45, she may wish she'd set different priorities while she was younger. It's not just the busy career girl who can't see the forest for the trees. Couples I know were having marital troubles. During one argument, the husband confronted the wife and asked what she thought they should do about the marriage, what direction they should take. She reached for her Bible and turned to Ephesians. "I know what Paul says and I know what Jesus says about marriage," he told her. "What do you say about our marriage?" Dumbfounded, she could not say anything. Like so many of us, she could recite the Scriptures but could not apply them to everyday living. Before the year was out, the husband had filed for divorce. Women who focus on civil rights or community activism have vigorous, fighting spirits and are prepared to do whatever, whenever, to benefit black people. That's good. That's necessary. But it needs to be kept in perspective. It's too easy to save the world and lose your man. A fighting spirit is important on the battlefield, but a gentler spirit is wanted on the home-front. Too many women are winning the battle and losing the home. Sometimes in our determined efforts to be strong believers and hard workers, we contemporary women downplay, denigrate or simply forget our more traditional feminine attributes. Men value women best for the ways we are different from them, not the ways we are the same. Men appreciate us for our grace and beauty. Men enjoy our softness and see it as a way to be in touch with their tender side, a side they dare not show to other men. Men value us for our caring, empathic attitude, and the tenderness that we have as beings. A hard-working woman is good to have on your committee. But, when a man goes home, he'd prefer a loving partner to a hard worker. It's not an easy transition for the modern black woman to make. It sounds submissive, reactionary, outmoded, and oppressive. We have fought so hard for so many things, and rightfully so. We have known so many men who were shaky, jive and untrustworthy. Yet we must admit that we are shaky, jive and wilful in our own ways. Not having a husband allows us to do whatever we want, when and how we want to do it. Having one means we have to share the power and certain points will have to be surrendered. We are terrified of marriage and commitment - yet dread the prospect of being single and alone. Throwing ourselves into work seems to fill the void without posing a threat. But like any other drug, the escape eventually becomes the cage. To make the break, we need to do less and "be" more. I am learning to "be still and know," to be trusting. I am learning to stop competing with black men and to collaborate with them, to temper my assertive and aggressive energy with softness and serenity. I'm not preaching a philosophy of "women should be seen and not heard." But I have come to realize that I-and many of my smart and independent sisters- are out of touch with our feminine centre and therefore out of touch with our men. COMMENTARY: This article reminds me of the movie "Soul Food". Remember how the youngest sister (Nia Long) had to learn to let her man "be a man" by allowing him to find his own job. Although she had the best intentions, it is extremely important to let a man find his way even if he makes a mistake. The middle sister (Vivica Fox) was the most knowledgeable in terms of relationships. She was a very strong person. Although her man was the head of household, they worked as a team. She was by knowing means subservient, and of course had the best relationship and a stable marriage. The oldest sister (Vanessa L. Williams) sadly represented what a lot not all 90's professional women have become. Many haven't learned that you can't manage your relationships like you manage your job or career. She wanted her dream to be her man's dream. She failed to understand that true love involves supporting your mate's lifetime passion, even if you don't particularly agree. She also wanted to run all aspects of their household. It wasn't a coincidence that she was on her second marriage! SUBJECT: Good men are indeed all around us. We pass them on the streets, in the malls and the halls at work. Most we can't see because we don't know what a good man really looks like. He usually isn't flashy enough or rich enough to turn our heads. He might not wear a suit or push a BMW. He might not have a “body like Arnold with a Denzel face”. But, as you mature, you realize it's better to find someone who's got your back than someone who turns your head. A good man doesn't agree whole-heartedly with everything you say. He doesn't just tell you what you want to hear and do the opposite. He doesn't declare how sensitive, sweet, caring, sincere, he is (he won’t have to because it shows). He has his own opinions and you may clash, but he doesn't have to degrade you to prove he's right. He even admits at times to being wrong, especially if you are willing to do the same. A good man is not going to meet every item on your checklist. He is human with frailties and faults mixed in with all of his wonderful, strong attributes. He needs your love and respect. He needs to feel that you don't live to "catch" him doing something wrong so you can declare, "Aha! I knew you were a dog!!" A good man doesn't necessarily give you a huge birthday or Valentine's gift. He shows his love in the ways that are comfortable to him. Don't judge him by TV standards (...Bold and the Beautiful...). No one is living that fairy tale for real. You'll miss out on your own fairy tale by buying into the myth that our men are no good. It's just not true. Men, we salute you, and thank you for who you are and all you've done. Pass this along to some of the "Good Men" you know and a few women that need to read it. The best might not be simple but simple is the best. For your sake: introspect and position yourself regards all that is contained in this article. If you enjoyed this article, Join HBCU CONNECT today for similar content and opportunities via email! |
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WILLIAM W. HEMMANS III
CRT 1st Response Case Manager, Mental Health Care,, Florida A&M University class of 1995 Member Since February 2004 |
Comments
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This is very insightful. It's very important to keep balance in your life. No woman wants a man so focused on his career she feels neglected, or so aggressive he can't let go when it comes to his spouse and family. The same applies with us dudes. Being supportive doesn't mean being a pushover or letting people walk over you, it's just recognizing that you have someone who's at your side fighting the same fight you are. And we need to get away from the superficial thinking. Men and women both. Beauty fades and money comes and goes. Friday, October 19th 2007 at 9:14AM |
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Re: Re: Hey wassup Jonathan, honor to meet your acquaintance Bro. I appreciate the knowledge and the insight that you add to this blog from a Male perspective and saw I take it that this is posted for men and women to take the relevance that they can from it and not view this as just a blog against women or fuel for men to use for the negative. I stated and made sure that I said that I don';t totally agree with this blog. What I mean as that I am not excluding the fact that there are women that are wronged, that every brother is not positive and that s*xism is a massive problem still in this world. As yourself I found this email to be insightful and that the sender of this email was not excluding but commenting on another aspect of male/female relations and when I read this, I have come across my share of women that this does allude to, we see it in media, entertainment, comments, etc. I know that inequality has played a part in this, environment, things that plague us as a black culture due to lets just say extenuating circumstances etc. I have come across my share of what a good woman is and have had to go through this uphill battle I call defenses. Also I have been caught up at periods in my life fighting and making it through life and missing the "balance" to sustain. We all have things to learn. I thought I was doing right, well-meaning vs. what is best... Again appreciate the comments Bro, feel free not to be a stranger and viceversa. Even in my not being here as much, I have been caught up being busy and missing out on the greatness that is at this site. I hope to see more comments here rerspecting everyones rights to comment or not and also we all have our schedules, but relationships are one of lifes most perplexing things and we all have to deal with them or choose to be hermits. Who has not dealt with the themes listed here? Not all, but quite a few, especially dealing in the level of intelligence that is at this site. It comes to my mind that even college the drive to make it can cause an imbalance i.e The Bible talks about all things in proper context and moderation. I have even seen the themes listed here in movies and from the world of entertainment to Gospel have you noticed the amounts of divorce and being single but desiring that person just for you? I see the boards here full of people male and female stating issues pertaining to relationships and better to learn now than to learn later. I mean you have more time to work it out and get it straight that leads to less problems and heartaches and accompanying problems if you feel me... There is nothing more bitter than seeing older people bitter, another issue that is in this blog. Most just grow to be even more bitter and people like that push their advice on the younger for what? To mold you like them. I refuse that. I know as it comes to my mind there has to be people here who are pressured by elders in their lives that they know may or may not be right and are trying to live their lives through the way they think they should be like them instead of what God means for them. Again all things in proper context and moderation. In an earlier blog I recently did "To Reach For The Top Of The Apple Tree", it now comes to my mind that you have to reach higher for the best fruit, this is for men and women. If you ever climbed trees for fruit, sometimes you get a scratch with other branches but when you get that prized fruit if you don't quit, the joy makes you just savor it before indulging it... You just don't want to eat it up right away but don't let it sit too long or it will over ripen... The rotted fruit at the bottom, hey you can just pick that off the ground, but... More chance of the worms, flies, maggots, bacteria, stench, things on the ground rot faster, other things that can easily access etc.etc.etc. Hope that makes some sense to folk. Take care Bro. Sincerely William Friday, October 19th 2007 at 8:47PM |
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Thanks for your insight... we really need to start discussing issues like this with our friends and families. The crisis in relationships is tearing our society apart. We're being bombarded with media messages that create this fantasy idea of what your partner should be. More often than not, those standards are superficial. On top of that, we are the first generation where it is expected (usually) that both partners will have a career. This introduces even more strain as we try to balance ambition with caring for our spouse and family. There really aren't that many good examples of how we should act as a successful husband or wife. We don't teach how to resolve conflict - instead we have magazines and TV programs that thrive on creating conflict. I agree, eventually after being in a relationship and realizing that some things won't change, you do become bitter. That's where it comes back to selecting the right fruit. Too many of us take a bite of the rotten apple, and are too complacent to put it down. Most of us are very good at arguing our point, but few of us are good at healing and being supportive. And even those who are get turned off when their efforts aren't returned. We've got a lot of work ahead of us! Monday, October 22nd 2007 at 9:17AM |
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The article highlights many important points, and I believe they are all relevant except for one thing, Black Women have begun to believe the nonsense that is brought out in publications such as Ebony and Essense. Lets face it women get to save money while men waste their time spending their money on women. As time goes by women have accumilated more than men and are better able to take advantage of opprtunities avaiable for them. Corporations love black women for their EEO value (woman and minority) vs a Black man (Too much of the FUBU man seen in every black man) A good example, a man wants to be an Aircraft Mechanic a job that requires time and money as well as hard work and good study habits to suceed. Max pay? maybe about 80,000. A woman can with a simple degree work in fields that pay more such as cosmetics that cater to peoples vanity (ie 30.00 lipstick). So now the woman makes more than the man, yet the level of intelligence and technical expertise is nowhere close to what the aircraft tech has. The woman bases her worth now on how much she makes and decides she is the better man in the relationship.....In the end the relationship fails, but wait thers a child in the picture, now the black man has not only to support himself but now a separate household. She gets to keep the house, her income, the child and now she has extra income from the ex-spouse. She believes the fault is with the blackman, so she dates wealthy white men who only have jungle fetish. The Black man now has to rebuild his emotional, finacial and professional life. The next Blackwoman he decides to get involved with, will always be held at arms length. He will use her for s*x and whatever else he can get, and never make a comittment. The woman fells ike she is being used and will leave that realtionship.......and the cycle goes on. Turning to the Church is no bargain either. People go to church for all the wrong reasons. Putting faiith in a pastor who wears 700.00 suits and have security details will not make a woman emotionally desireable enough for a man to want to be emotionally committed to her. Monday, October 22nd 2007 at 7:02PM |
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Okay.........I appreciate the insight but I also think a man should support his gurl and want her to be in the a church go er, work and a black advocate. This is 07' the everyday woman cooks, cleans, worker, caregiver and has a little time for herself? So why conform to the everyday standards. Women do it all- I like it that way. And women are not feared by a man who does it all to me is says " Damn he's got it together" Who knows that's just my opinion -Audri Tuesday, October 23rd 2007 at 6:51PM |
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I like the article. The skills that work in the workplace don't translate well in relationships... we claim men can't handle independent women, but my personal experience is that there's a time and place for everything... if I have a sweetie pie who's in an equally or more competitive work enviornment all day, he's not interested in competing with me... or listening to me try to prove how hard I work, yada, yada, on our time... doesn't mean he doesn't appreciate my accomplishments... sometimes it just means I need to lighten up a bit. Sometimes we just take ourselves TOOOO seriously and forget that life is about loving and laughing... not ur title in the workplace.
Wednesday, October 24th 2007 at 2:19PM |
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Hi, I don't usually respond to alot of the articles and commentary but I felt like I should add. I think it can work in the opposite direction also. The guy and the women can both qualify as the person you describe but ultimately the women gets blamed for the downfall of the relationship. If both parties have demanding schedules and each person is not willing to be in the space that needs to be held up at home then there will be a problem. For the women, we have to have a certain demeanor in the workplace and out of the home and generally don't chose to have conflict in the home. Many times however, we have to come into our home and defend ourselves from the people we care about most because there is still the mentality that what we do is not always as important as the things the male is doing. Even when we are doing the same thing. I think that ultimately it is a time issue. Both parties need to be aware that they need one another to make it work and you can't do that if the other party is always MIA. Wednesday, October 24th 2007 at 5:07PM |
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I also felt that this was very insightful, to me successful women are alone because they don’t know how to let go and let a man be a man. No man wants a woman who acts like his mother! Women on the move have to realize that it’s ok to be submissive to your man, and to let him handle things for them. Now don’t get me wrong I am not saying be a dummy by any means but let that man be a man, if you want him to stay. And I am not saying settle for less get what you want and learn to keep what you want. Also some successful women feel like letting go at home would make them weak but not realizing that’s this is why their lonely in the first place. We as women have to get out of that mind frame that what’s mine is mine and what’s your is ours and realize that a relationship is give and take situation, that is if you don’t want to spend the rest of your life alone. You have to let a man be man and this can be done without losing yourself or making you feel subservient to him.
Thursday, October 25th 2007 at 3:46PM |
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I liked this article... It addresses a certain type of woman, not all women... I think men and women both have common issues that make relationships fail. I could probably write a book about all I have learned on my own and from others on this subject. It usually takes years for people to finally 'get it'. For men, when we find a good woman, we need to be flexible, make sacrifices for her, and cherish her, and make her feel special and loved, caring for her emotion and spirit... For women, when you find a good man, you have to give him his space, let him come for you and be there for him when he needs you. Respect him greatly. One thing a good man needs is RESPECT. Know when to let the man be the lead and be willing to "submit" at times to avoid competition in the relationship and unnecessary arguements... Thats all for now. Friday, October 26th 2007 at 4:02AM |
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Taking it all in, I don't have problem with any of the previous comments; however, I've found insecurities of either or both genders can wreak havoc in a relationship. Getting to know oneself prior to 'sharing' and being able to agree to disagree goes a long way in relationships whether for the long or short of it. We're all prone to err at some point and time--taking it in stride for the good beats out the competitive nature every time. The differences that attract us are sometimes the same ones that lead to failure. Compromise isn't the worst thing to acknowledge in a relationship but not knowing how to can become detrimental. Keeping your 'business' in-house--a must! Tit for tat, should never enter into the door of your love nest! Simply treat that special someone the SAME way you want to be treated. Cost, in the way of $, ends many relationships because SHARE is not a focus word. JOY cannot not be bought nor sold. LOVE is one of those beautiful four-letter words but it sometimes turns into HATE! You won't have to hate the players if you never make it a game. We are born into this world, ebony in color--with a natural hue; we should be living, loving, dying proud black people unafraid of what others think. Society, however you want to define it, is the bane of many who are listening to the outsiders instead of to their own head and heart. Every gut feeling ain’t always gas!
Friday, October 26th 2007 at 8:26PM |
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Hey wasssup Jonathan, thank you for your further insight that you add and I do agree more people need to pass along the seeds for better relationships. The issues in relationships is also very prevalent in all the youth that are affected. Also I agree about we need to stop the fairy tales that the media puts out there, I have found that most of what we say we know is only theory until put into practise. Saturday, October 27th 2007 at 9:25PM |
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Hey wassup pablo, nice to meet your acquaintance bro. Thank you for the points that you add that I feel is valid for some/those, who fit.
Saturday, October 27th 2007 at 9:27PM |
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Hi Ms. Audri, nice to meet your acquaintance as well and thank you for the insight that you have and you are a highschool student, wow. Honored to see younger folk respectfully address isues that affect most people. Hey lilsis, nothing wrong with being old fashioned if one wants to call it that. There is someone for everybody. I say that chivalry is not dead but it is not as pronounced today. Saturday, October 27th 2007 at 9:31PM |
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Hey Joyce good to see you sis: "if I have a sweetie pie who's in an equally or more competitive work enviornment all day, he's not interested in competing with me... or listening to me try to prove how hard I work, yada, yada, on our time... doesn't mean he doesn't appreciate my accomplishments... sometimes it just means I need to lighten up a bit. Sometimes we just take ourselves TOOOO seriously and forget that life is about loving and laughing... not ur title in the workplace. " With the above mentioned statement from you, what more can I add to that? I take it you have had to grow, mature and go through your own ups and downs to birth this knowledge out. Saturday, October 27th 2007 at 9:34PM |
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Hey Latoya, nice to meet your acquaintance and I'm not saying that sis as a common cliche. You know I have encountered this with certain types of women that have tried to tell me everything from life to how to dress and look like I don't know a thing or two, but when you have a word for them... mLets just say respectfully they did not work out. I was not searching for a momma, certainly not want to love with, that would be improper to say the very least. There are men also out there trying to do some raising of their own and I can say I have been put in this position before or have been in this position before honestly. Hope that makes sense in what I just said. Saturday, October 27th 2007 at 9:38PM |
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Hello Ms. Loe, appreciate the time you took to add your comments here and also glad to meet your acqauitance as well sis. It is certainly most important to know oneself, your statement makes me think of that old saying, "To thine ownself be true, then you can be false to no one." Compromise is most important in relationships according to what the compromise is and what it is based on, is it positive for or negative against. Also I say love is a choice, the same is true for hate. The Bible states there is either love or hate, totally different types of energies. But they can stem from the same person. One thing I hve always asked in relationships is do you still have a love for your ex, if you ever did you never stop, if you do not, maybe you never loved at all or at the very least you still need to learn about it and it's different forms. I am still learning myself sis. Saturday, October 27th 2007 at 9:48PM |
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Hi Angela, appreciate the very valid common place unfortunate issues that some women deal with and I will say that though it's not right, many of us as men are taught this way of thinking, many women tend to settle and many women teach this though and many of these issues stem from the Church (improper interpretations and misuse of scriptures... Not all but certainly enough). But there are men out there such as the proverbial woman of proverbs 31:10-31 had to have a proverbial man and they were real everyday people... Think about it.
Saturday, October 27th 2007 at 10:16PM |
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A pleasure to make your acquaintance also, my friend! I like your style--thinking on your feet! "to thine own self be true...", I use that one all the time! I've been mentoring young people since the early 70s and it feels good to encourage young ones into actively using their heads for more than a hat rack! Kudos to you for keeping ALL of us on our toes! Stay blessed, nah!
Monday, October 29th 2007 at 10:58PM |
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Hey Loe, you keep doing your thing as well Sis, the world needs you.
Tuesday, November 20th 2007 at 1:52AM |
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