Black Women, Choose Wisely. Who are YOU Booking to be Your Baby's Daddy?

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g smallwood Great post and I agree with much of your commentary. But I'm not willing to defend grown men or women in this situation. It's the children we need to defend. I agree that women bear half of the responsibility for getting pregnant, so they both need to bare the responsibility of loving that child. No child is a mistake, but grown folks decide when they come into this world by their behavior. This side of heaven, men should not let anyone, not the mother or his financial situation keep him from loving his childlren. Women do play games, but they can't keep men from loving their children, even if fathers have to go get help from the justice system. Right now mothers are there. Too many fathers are not. There is no excuse. It's the children that are the sufferers of this travesty. Again, we must choose in this problem, whether to defend the men and women or their children. We as a culture continue to excuse those who handicap and injure these babies. We need to stop! Monday, July 28th 2008 at 5:41PM

Dee Gray Provisioner at Cannot Say Mrs. Smallwood, I appreciate your response. You're right...and that was ultimately my point. Grown men AND grown women need to step up to the carpet to be mindful of who we're choosing to be the mothers and fathers of our children. It's a joint venture. And I also agree that men who are NOT deadbeats need to KEEP fighting for their children. Yes, our culture does continue to excuse those who handicap and injure these babies-- the fathers AND the mothers. I can speak so frankly because I grew up in the projects and in a family where childhood s*xual abuse, drug dealing and gang banging were quite prevalent. I grew up in a place that if not for the faith, strength, determination and conqueror's attitudes of my mother and grandmother, would have either produced a mother of a million kids by several different "baby daddies" starting at a very early age, a hooker with a habit or hustler trying to figure who I take advantage of in a way that most favored my current circumstances. I can speak about this so candidly because my first child was produced during my junior year in college at the ripe age of 21...and engaged but out of wedlock. My mother most feared that I would become a statistic, but I showed her and grandmother that my life was not over...that they raised a better woman than that. I had my elder daughter at the age of 22, which still was a lot better than some who were having them at 15 and 16 at the time. My folks were afraid that I lost my momentum, but I remembered what was instilled in me...he left, as many did then and still do, but that didn't stop me from doing what I had to do. So those mothers that are struggling to hold it down...I get that. I am that mother, too. I've been married for 3 1/2 years, but I get it. Finally, I can say what I'm saying because I, too, should have been more careful. About the only difference is that my daughter was no accident. We planned her. I just didn't plan for the part where I'd be raising her on my own. I was naive and gullible for a time in my younger years. Lesson learned. See, it's not that we won't fall. We absolutely will. We've just got to stop falling in the SAME mud puddle over and over again. That goes for fathers AND mothers. (I'm always tickled when I hear things like, "The mothers are the ones here doing such and such." I think that's probably because we carry them, give birth to them and are handed them when we leave the hospital. Okay, that was sarcasm on my part, but only to be light...not make light...of an extremely heavy TWO-SIDED issue). There are no excuses for mother and/or fathers. Everyone is responsible. In your words, "We need to stop!" Monday, July 28th 2008 at 6:01PM

Dee Gray Provisioner at Cannot Say Jennifer, thank you for your response. I hear you. I come from a family such as the one you've described. I did have good role models at home, but the outside was very much a part of my life, too. Just because of where I came from, it was instilled in me by some early non African-American educators was that I'd never be anything or anyone...that I'd never accomplish anything. I was hearing something different at home, yes, but still, I heard and saw all around me what I was SUPPOSED to become. I thank God that my mother and grandmother were fighters. I thank God that no matter how many nights we slept on the floor with bullets whizzing over our heads, God always saw to it that my mother and grandmother had another day to fight the good fight to get us out of that. My mother always said, "You live in the PROJECTS. The projects doesn't live in YOU." There are some hurting brothers out there, too. I have very close male family members who were molested for years as children, so I've seen that hurt and anguish up close and in person, too. I've seen the effects of sleeping with as many women as possible to prove he's a man...that he's not gay. I've seen the anger and resentment towards anyone who will try to encourage them in adulthood to talk to someone about and get free from it. I've seen the psychological bondage it causes. I've seen the little boys who grow up to be men who have no clue how to treat a woman because they watched the men in their lives beat the water and will out of their mothers. I've seen the man who was raised by the streets to be a drug dealer, pimp or hustler and I've encountered them all. I never gave in to any of them because my grandmother made sure I heard just about every line before I even walked out the door. She and my mother were sharp as tacks. I didn't always listen obviously. And then, too, we've suffered as women from all of the things you mentioned and then some, but we don't have the market cornered on suffering. Men have suffered, too. You bring up a very interesting point and I'm so glad you posted. I think we should consider travelling our communities and reaching out to one at a time to see if God-love, self-love and love of others in that healthy, nurturing, nourishing God-way can become the epidemic that babies having babies and deadbeat fathers (and mothers) have become. Want to help get me started? Blessings... -Faith...have some. Monday, July 28th 2008 at 6:14PM

Dee Gray Provisioner at Cannot Say Aside from that, it's not just men and women having babies. Babies are having babies, too. Monday, July 28th 2008 at 7:08PM

devin greene Tennessee State University class of 2006 Yes that is true... We as black people we need treat each other right you got black people in high places right now who wont even give to help somone in need of there own kind that is what i see and blacks call each other the N word every day why??? but when a white person call them that thay flip out... My thing is not to carry that same trate on and on we got to drop it.. Calling each other the N word that` crazy and the white people look at as it`s ok now. Tuesday, July 29th 2008 at 1:18AM

Chamieka House University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee class of 2012 My ADHD will not barely let me read that whole article, lol.. but I get your drift. Alot of that article speaks of urban-black America and it is all very true... I feel the need to really think about a response, so I`ll be back. Tuesday, July 29th 2008 at 1:06PM

J. A. Faulkerson Author, Screenwriter, Educator at Culturally Coded Content Dee: You are on point with this blog entry. Women should be more selective about the men they relate to. There are a lot of brothers who don't have their priorities in order, and the women they get involved with usually are in for a rough ride. These brothers don't want to be in committed relationships; many of them want to hit it and then forget it. Be blessed, my sister, and continue to be a blessing. Jeffery A. Faulkerson Tuesday, July 29th 2008 at 1:23PM

Earl Butler Sr. Financial Consultant at Aetna Nice Blog, I would only add form the Male perspective that Ultimately it is up to the women if the brother even gets a look. If the women does feel some thing it does matter what a brothers game is or not. Personally, I find that many women pcik guys that they know are not goingto be good for them in the long run. A classic exmapl is fromt he show. The one sisiter had the nerve to blast the borther for not being involved in the kids life then she turns out pregnant with twins from the next cat. These ats are only gettign on becasue these women give them the green light that it is all good. Wednesday, July 30th 2008 at 1:11PM

Dee Gray Provisioner at Cannot Say Mr. Buter, I totally agree. It is ultimately up to us. We choose, but that's seem to have been lost on a lot of us. Thanks for the male perspective. I appreciate it. Blessings... Wednesday, July 30th 2008 at 3:32PM

tyrone green Police assistant chief retired at Gloster Police department I agree with you Thursday, July 31st 2008 at 12:30PM

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