My Grief Journey
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Posted By: Carla Hannibal on August 09, 2008 My son is now whole, beautiful, healed from the gunshot wound, free and joyful. I know he is laughing and running and shining with the brilliancy of the beauty of his true spirit. And yet, if you see me weep, worry not, it is merely the expression of the human part of me clearing out any particles remaining from the agony of loss. By doing so, it makes room for multitudes more of loving memories to fill in the resulting spaces. I always pray to hold my grief lightly so that it's lifting is easy and swift. Today, I am in the 2nd year,3rd month, 9th day of my grief journey. In 8 more months, it will be the third year anniversary of Scooter's Crossing Over. Immediately after Scooter made his journey home, I made a conscious choice to heal the pain of loss. I searched hard for positive, forward-moving guidance. Tried 6 different support groups, to no avail. I desired only support for healing and not the enabling of perennial suffering. I did not want to become a bitter, hand-wringing, whimpering caricature of my former self, living life dragging grief around like a ball and chain. I knew, even at the earliest stage of loss, I did, indeed, have a choice of whether or not to allow anger and destructive behaviors to be a part of my grief. I totally believe and accept grief is not a life sentence. It is, though, the vehicle to move me through the transition from being Scooter's mom to being Carla, a mother who has lost a son but still a mother, healing, beautiful and loved by Scooter. Although grief arrived uninvited, I had the free will to choose how long grief's tentacles were able to clutch at my being. My healing recovery can only be activated in the moment of the present. I cannot exist in the past. Mourning ended when I realized strengths could be brought from the past to help create my new life in the present. The mourning of Scooter ceased the instant I accepted living once again. My focus, then, shifted from loss, pain & devastation, to the concentration on the new life being created. The loss, pain and devastation has become added strengths by being absorbed into my healing. Yes, I miss Scooter and I do have a moment of sadness now and then. Scooter will always be a part of me. For, he is the warm glow of love that will forever reside in the intertwining of our spirits. But, our beautiful relationship is now of the ethereal form, woven into the golden tapestry of the fibers of my heart, soul and essential being. A sweet melancholy has replaced the sharp, gnawing pain in the core of my soul. I strive to remember that what is a burden on one day will be a gift on another. So, with the grace of my strong Faith, I hold on tight when the ride of recovery gets a little bumpy, knowing that the new life I am creating will become all it is needed to "BE." I choose to remember with love. By accepting Scooter's precious freedom, I have become whole. Grief has given my life a different meaning, new depths and new horizons. Grief is not bad, it's not good........ it just IS!! If you enjoyed this article, Join HBCU CONNECT today for similar content and opportunities via email! |
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Carla Hannibal
CEO, Hannibal Professional Services University of Phoenix class of Member Since July 2008 |
Comments
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Hi Sis, I pray the best for you and forfull comfort and support for my 2cents worth. Wishing you the best. Deep blog, great testimony. Thank you for the share. You choose to use your life to bless others. That is Jesus right there. Reciprocol healing amplified. Take care, I give criedt where due and commend you. God Bless Sincerest William Saturday, August 9th 2008 at 9:58PM |
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