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Help Me Understand Posted on 06-20-2007
C Nels

Ladies of my HBCU family, can we talk for a minute? I have an issue that I can't quite understand, maybe ya'll can help me out. A lady has 2 kids from one man. He doesn't provide much for any of them, mother included, but shows his face every once in a while. (*sidenote* when I say "doesn't provide much" I mean no child support, MIGHT babysit a couple times a year, deadbeat things like that) Whenever something is wrong he's nowhere to be found. Naturally she moves on with her life and meets another guy. Surprisingly he treats the kids like his own and the mother like a queen. After a while of dating and talks of marriage she gets pregnant from the guy, they're both happy and everything is all good....or at least seems to be. Once the baby arrives, the father can't get enough of his son, buys him everything(clothes, food, diapers), visits him everyday, makes sure the mother and other kids are alright, WANTS to babysit(they don't live together), basically everything a father should do. So after a month or so, the mother decides that she's going to take the new father to court and with the justice system of today, the mother wins custody of the son, full child support and restricts visitation to once a weekend per month. As you can imagine the guy is devastated and hurt by the turn of events! BUT even though she did all of this to him and they're no longer together, he still does what he can when the mother needs him; car breaks down, kids sick and has to stay home from school, furniture needs moving, etc. But in the end, my issue is this. Why run the good guy through the ringer when he's providing without being asked, but won't seek child support from the deadbeat for the first 2 kids? Did I also mention that a few months after court she trades in the minivan and buys an Escalade on 22's? Of course you have to have a big screen DVD player installed for the kids, right? Help me out ladies!
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Sister Tamara replied on 06-20-2007 06:07PM [Reply]
PRAISE THE LORD!!! I don't know how much help I'm going to be, but being a female I'm going to tell you what I know. First of all the deadbeat is exactly that, so this female probably figure why go after him when she knows that she's not going to get anything. To me things got out of control when they were just talking about getting married and didn't. That's where the problems started. This female knows that she can have her cake and eat it too. Meaning she don't have to be going with the guy and get whatever she wants whenever she wants. My Bishop at church always talks about these stupid women that let these men take advantage of them. Lay up in their house and play video games while the lady is at work. Or getting high and eating up the children foodstamps. Well in this situation, I would have to say that the guy made stupud choices because this female knew that this new guy was a good guy and she straight played him. I applaude him for still being the man throughout the whole situation. In the bible it talks about how if you be nice to people who have wronged you, it's like heaping coals on their head. This lady don't realize how much of a blessing that guy is to her and her children. I just hope he continues for the childrens sake, because children don't get to choose their parents. Some people just have parents who don't know any better. If I could I would tell this man not to be discouraged. We females might act like we know everything, but in reality we don't. Sometimes we mess up and don't know how to fix it. Sometimes we mess up and don't want to fix it. Consider this a lesson learned...(the hard way!) My final suggestion is for this young man to use this opportunity to get close to God. The Lord is watching what's going on. Love the Lord and he will send that young man his special someone that will appreciate him the way that he deserves to be appreciated, and they wont be taking advantage of him being a real man. BY THE WAY...personally, I don't believe in child support. I don't believe that a judge should make a person do something that they should already be doing...that's just me thou!!!
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C Nels replied on 06-22-2007 12:42AM [Reply]
Thanks for the response. The story is actually deeper than what I typed but I'm not going to put my folk out like that, but I'll just say that things aren't working out in the woman's favor. He's moved on from her and will be getting married soon. But don't think he jumped to marry the "rebound" woman quickly, the story above is over a span of about 8 yrs or so. As for your suggestion, he knows the Lord and I know that's why the guy does what he do. Thanks again for your response. ....now, anybody else? I know you have a point of view. Yes you I see you reading this. lol
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Blutifully Human replied on 06-26-2007 10:52PM [Reply]
Can't say I can give a clear cut answer for that. Women confuse me...men confuse me...heck, sometimes I enjoy animals a whole lot more than human beings lol. I guess I could take a stab in the dark and say it ounds like she found an easy target. She knew that she could milk the 2nd guy for all he was worth. The 1st probably didn't have too much to begin with anyway, so maybe she saw man #2 as a sure thing. It's kinda triflin that she went about things that way, but I guess that's the kinda world we live in. One of my favorite quotes is..."people will only treat you the way that you allow them to". It's sad that she took advantage of a good man like that, but like i said...who knows why things played out the way they did. I believe everything happens for a reason, so maybe there is a learning lesson in that whole experience for the both of em...and maybe even u too. Perhaps he had to be the example.
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C Nels replied on 06-28-2007 05:08AM [Reply]
Interesting perspective, thanks Blu. You so wise! I agree that all of this happened for a reason but we will never know for whose benefit.
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