A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in
heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there
is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so
we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have
you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to
spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven."
"I'm sorry but we have our rules," replies St. Peter.
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green
golf course. Nearby are all his friends and other politicians who had worked
with him. Everyone is in evening attire and very happy to see him. They run
to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf
and then dine on lobster and caviar.
Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy and who has a
good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that
the time flies, before he realizes it, the senator has to go. Everyone gives
him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter
is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven."
The next 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good
time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter
returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose
your eternity." The senator reflects for a minute, then answers, "Well, I
would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I
would be better off in Hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in
rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags.
The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and a beautiful club and we ate lobster and caviar and
danced and had a great time. Now there is only a wasteland full of garbage
and my friends look miserable.
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.
Today you voted for us!"
=============================
If ya got some JoKes... Y'Kno what to do
An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped **** in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.
:lol:
One day a supervisior was walking around the office and had a question to ask one of his employees who had the day off. So he gets on the phone and calls the emloyees house and a little boy with a faint voice answers the phone.
" Hello " the boys says.
" Is your dad home?", asks the supervisior.
" yes", says the little boy.
" can I talk to him"? asks the supervisor
" No." says the boy.
"Why not?" asks the boss.
" Cause he is talking to the police officer". Wondering why the police is there the supervisor asks:
" Is your mom home?"
" yes."
"Can I talk to her?"
" No."
"Why not?"
" Cause she is with the fireman and the police officer talking with daddy."
Now the supervisor is getting really worried that something is wrong, still trying to keep the boy on the phone - he hears a noise in the background that sounds like an heliocopter. Then he asks the boy:
"whats that noise?"
The boy says, " a hello - copter".
"Well, what is the heliocopter doing at your house"?
" The search team and and dogs just landed on the roof." says the little boy.
The supervisor now is worried beyond belief and then asks:
"Well, who are they looking for?"
With a soft, faint , voice the little boy answers: " ME."
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths.So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed.As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding **** inside a refrigerator..." :lol: :lol: :lol:
One day three boys come in class late. The teachers asks the first boy, "Why were you so late?" He answers, "Cause I was on top of Bluberry Hill". She says ok and he sits down.
The second boy comes in and the teachers asks,"Why were you so late?" He answers, "Cause I was on top of Cherry Hill." Then, finally the third boy walks in and she asks, "Why were you so late?" He answers, "Cause I was on top of Cherry Hill"? Suddenly a girl walks in and the teacher asks,"Why were you so late, I guess you was ontop of Cherry Hill too. She says "What?! I am Blueberry Hill."
I thought that was funny :arrow:
The 7 **** are standing outside a convent. Then Happy goes and knocks on the door. A nun answers and says "Can I help you, my child?" Happy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this convent?" The nun is puzzled, and says "No, there are no 3 foot nuns in this convent." Happy thinks for a minute, then says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this city?" The nun says "No, there are no 3 foot nuns in this city." So Happy leaves and forms a huddle with the rest of the ****. Then a few minutes later, Doc leaves the huddle and goes and knocks on the door. The same nun answers and says "What now?" Doc says, "Ok, are there any 3 foot nuns in this state?" The nun says "No! There are no 3 foot nuns!" Doc thinks, then says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this country?" The nun is starting to get mad, and says "NO! THERE ARE NO 3 FOOT NUNS!" So Doc leaves and returns to the huddle. A few minutes later, Sleepy goes and knocks on the door. The same nun answers. Sleepy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns on this continent?" The nun says "NO!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU??? THERE ARE NO 3 FOOT NUNS!!" Sleepy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns anywhere in the world?" The nun says "NO!!" and slams the door in this face. Sleepy returns to the huddle, then a few minutes later, all the **** start running around laughing and chanting "DOPEY SCREWED A PENGUIN! DOPEY SCREWED A PENGUIN!"
