A Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.After some time he realizes he was nasty anddecides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?' She says, 'I was in bed.''In bed this early, doing what?''Getting a second opinion!'
PRAISE THE LORD!!!
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later:"Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his
money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to
take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my
money to the afterlife with me.
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that
when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died... He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was
sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready
to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait just a moment!”
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and
put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and
they rolled it away. So her friend said, 'Girl, I know you were not
foolish enough to put all that money in there
with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on
my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the
casket with him.
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!'
I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my
account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can
spend it.
PRAISE THE LORD!!!
I liked that!!! So, I guess it's my turn to make you guys laugh...
Hospital Bills
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy who was waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand.
"We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, sorry, I don't have any insurance," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters;' they are married to God."
"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would
be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for
you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not
nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when
you've had a disagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children.
and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and
passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
PRAISE THE LORD!!!
Now that joke made me laugh out loud...Now let me see what I can come up with...
Johnny was coming home from church one Sunday morning with his mother. His mother noticed he had a serious look on his face.
"What's on your mind, Johnny?" she asked.
"Is it true what the preacher said about us all coming from dust and turning back to dust?"
" Why , Yes, it is, Johnny," she said. "Why do you ask?"
"Well, when we get home," he answered, "You better look under my bed, because someone's either comin' or goin!"
............................ Johnny was going off to church one morning with several of his friends. His mother gave him two nickels, " One for you and one for god," she said. As Johnny and his friends walked along, He was flipping a nickel up in the air and catching it, over and over. Finally, one time he missed it and it rolled down a sewer.
"Oops!" he said. "There goes God's nickel!"
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's
birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful
consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right
note: romantic but not too personal Accompanied by his sweetheart's
younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white
gloves. The sister purchased a pair of **** for herself. During the
wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves
and the sweetheart got the ****. Without checking the contents, the
young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note :
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of
wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your
sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she
wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate
shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been
wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her
try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to
put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come
in contact with thembefore I have a chance to see you again. When you
take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as
they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!
All my love.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
So you're riding on a horse. There's a cliff to your right. There's a kangaroo in front of you that you can't overtake. There's an elephant to your left that you can't get around. There's a tiger behind you that you can't out run. What do you do?
You get your **** **** off the merry go round.
A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local
Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the
next collection of soiled clothes :
"USE MORE SOAP ON ****!"
She got the clean laundry back, and was still Dissatisfied with the
results, so the following week she enclosed another note:
"USE MORE SOAP ON ****!"
The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry
was delivered, it contained a note from HIM:
"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON ****!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ****!!"
:o
I have actually seen the sayings from the previous post on bumper stickers!
